Another parody to the Infamous Tale
by PennyLane125
Summary: Chapter 3 (and final one) up!
1. The Beginning of the Insanity

A/N: This is a parody to the movie Signs which I do not own. Oh, and by the way, to my friend A.C.L., if you wanna add more, add more. You can write some and I'll write some. This beginning part is just to start you off. ( Enjoy!  
  
INT. BEDROOM. DAY  
  
The credits roll and freaky music plays. We close in on Graham who shoots up in bed and promptly hits his head on the camera.  
  
Graham: Ow! Shamylan!  
  
Shamylan: (V.O.) Are you talking to me?  
  
Graham: Well, no one knows your first name!  
  
Shamylan: Right. OK, continue with your stereotypical Mel Gibson agog eyes.  
  
Mel (AKA Braveheart, the Patriot, guy from Ransom, Graham Hess) crinkles eyes at camera.  
  
Shamylan: That's the money shot.  
  
Graham walks over to Bo's room and we see the shadowy outline of a cross and a star of David on the wall. He bursts through her door and the bed's are empty. A "gone fishin'" letter is left on Bo's bed.  
  
Graham: (in horror) But they don't have worms!  
  
Graham runs outside.  
  
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.  
  
Merrill Hess falls out of bed yelling "Maximus! Maximus!". He runs outside and meets up with Graham.  
  
Merrill: Your children obviously aren't with you if you're out here.  
  
Graham: Was that your intelligent remark for the day?  
  
Merrill: My day doesn't start until 10:00.  
  
Off in the distance, we hear Bo Hess and Morgan Hess yelling. Graham and Merrill start running through the cornfields getting repeatedly hit in the face. They come across Bo doing ballet.  
  
Graham: Where's Morgan?  
  
Bo: Off pirouetting somewhere. With the dogs.  
  
Merrill: O.kay.  
  
He scoops up Bo and they run to find Morgan. He is standing perfectly still looking out at the corn.  
  
Graham: Are you hurt?  
  
Morgan: I think God did it.  
  
Graham: God hurt you?  
  
Morgan takes Graham's face and turns it towards the mysterious "it" in the fields. There is a giant crop circle in their fields. The dogs are running around it barking like idiots. No one says anything for a minute, then:  
  
Merrill: You know, I was having this glorious dream when this Indian guy comes running into my room brandishing a camera.for this?  
  
Bo: It looks like pie.  
  
Dog #1: I like pie.  
  
They all look at the dog.  
  
Dog #2: (mumbling): Idiot! We don't take over or talk until after the credits!  
  
Dog #1: (whispers) Oh. I mean ruff!  
  
The dogs run off into the cornfield.  
  
Shamylan: And cut!  
  
He walks into the scene.  
  
Shamylan: Kieran, I mean Rory, that was brilliant!  
  
Rory Kulkin: Really? I thought it was a bit much.  
  
Suddenly the editor jumps into the scene waving a white flag.  
  
Editor: Don't you know what the words "change scene" mean? I've been mouthing it for a whole minute over here.  
  
Everyone stares at camera, then we smash cut to:  
  
Bucks County, Pennsylvania Forty Five Miles outside Philadelphia  
  
INT.HOUSE.DAY  
  
Graham: (talking on phone) I think it was the Wolfington brothers. They have the skills and know-how to.know how to do this sort of thing. See, it was strange finding the crops like that.  
  
Voice on phone: Well, no shit. Why else would you call?  
  
Graham slams down phone and walks into the kitchen. Bo and Morgan are staring at Houdini lying on the floor.  
  
Morgan: Houdini peed.  
  
Bo: Again.  
  
Graham: Thrilling.  
  
He walks over to clean it up and the children race outside. Graham sees an officer near the door.  
  
Graham: That was fast. What, do you live in my garage or something?  
  
Carolyn: There are about forty-five people in this whole town with no lives. Of course I'm over here in about five seconds.  
  
Graham: Well, let me show you the crop circle. I'll just leave the pee here to evaporate.  
  
EXT. CORNFIELD. DAY  
  
Graham: It can't be made by hand.  
  
Carolyn: Or machine.  
  
Graham: Well, dammit it was made by something.  
  
Carolyn: Lionel whoever and the Wolfington brothers?  
  
Graham: Those guys don't know their ass from their armpit.  
  
Carolyn: Animals around here have been acting strangely, Father.  
  
Graham: What, you think dogs did this? And don't call me Father. I may be converting.  
  
Carolyn: Really? I have a cousin who's a Buddhist. You might wanna talk to him.  
  
EXT. BACKYARD. DAY  
  
Morgan is cooking chicken.  
  
Morgan: These taste better burned anyway.  
  
Bo is drinking water.  
  
Bo: It's contaminated.  
  
Morgan: No it's not. Give it to Houdini.  
  
Houdini is lying at their feet. Isabel is across the yard. She locks eyes with Houdini and nods. "Execute the plan," she mouths.  
  
Houdini: Aarrgh! (Sits up and starts growling)  
  
Morgan: Hieyah! (Takes hamburger knife and sticks it in dogs throat)  
  
Graham and Carolyn run out of the fields and come across the dog, Bo and Morgan who is now inhaling his puffer.  
  
Graham: I guess we'll never be able to use that hamburger knife again.  
  
Merrill comes out of the house.  
  
Merrill: Mmmm.Lays. (Burps)  
  
Graham: Tie up Isabel, you tub of ill-mannered lard.  
  
Merrill: Yeah, yeah.  
  
Carolyn gets rid of the dead dog.  
  
INT. HOUSE. NIGHT.  
  
Graham is lying on his side in bed and opens his eyes suddenly. Bo is standing in front of him.  
  
Graham: What?  
  
Bo: There's a monster out side my room.  
  
Silence. Bo looks around.  
  
Shamylan: (V.O.) Why isn't she saying it?  
  
Editor: (V.O.) We payed her in gummies. She'll say it.  
  
Bo rolls her eyes.  
  
Bo: Can I have a glass of water?  
  
Graham: There's a glass beside your bed.  
  
Bo: Why do you talk to mom when you're alone?  
  
Graham: Because daddy has schizophrenia, honey.  
  
Bo runs screaming from the room. Graham looks out his window and sees a shadow of an.dare I say, alien?.on the roof. It sees Graham and falls off the roof in shock. Graham runs downstairs and slaps a sleeping Merrill across the face.  
  
Merrill: You did it again! I was dreaming that Russell Crowe and I were fighting over Nicole Kidman.  
  
Graham: The Wolfington brothers are on our roof.  
  
The two brothers handle the situation in a believable and humourous situation. The alien practically kills itself not laughing and jumps gracefully into the cornfields.  
  
Graham: (scratches head) Well, that was a pointless scene.  
  
Merrill: Agreed.  
  
INT. DINING ROOM. DAY.  
  
Carolyn, Graham, Merrill and Morgan are sitting around the table. Morgan is poking at a police radio.  
  
Carolyn: You know that can be used as a one-way walkie-talkie.  
  
Morgan: I am ten years OLD.  
  
Carolyn: Goo goo ga ga?  
  
Morgan leaves the room in disgust.  
  
Carolyn: He'll be back. Now I need you to give me a description of this possible Scandinavian. You see, I'm not a real cop, so I have to propose unreasonable yet humourous ideas.  
  
Merrill: What???  
  
Carolyn: Oh my God! Do you ever understand anything in this movie!  
  
Graham: Get used to his idiocy.  
  
Merrill winks at the camera and we faintly hear a camerawoman falling over in love.  
  
Bo comes running into the room.  
  
Bo: The same show is on every station. I think something is wrong with our television.  
  
Merrill: I am not fixing ANYTHING.  
  
Everyone walks into the living room and just stares - STARES - at the T.V. There is a special about crop circles being broadcasted live from India. In the corner we can see a faint Shamylan watching, then he is yanked off screen. Morgan takes a breath of his puffer.  
  
Morgan: Extra-terrestrials.  
  
Carolyn: What in God's name is going on?  
  
Morgan: I just said extra-terrestrials. Are you deaf?  
  
Graham: Alright it's my job to take over this hellhole and it's insane ramblings. Lets go to town.  
  
The gang dances out of the house in typical Broadway style, singing things about the town. The door slams and we hear their car start.  
  
EXT. TOWN. DAY.  
  
The car pulls up to a parking lot - the only one in the whole damn town - and everyone climbs out. Merrill scampers off to the weird army regime and Graham shuffles off to the pharmacy to get Morgan's medicine.  
  
Morgan: Book money?  
  
Graham: I guess in small towns there's no room for manners.  
  
Morgan just stares at him. He doesn't get the hint but walks off clutching twenty bucks holding Bo's hand.  
  
INT. BOOKSTORE. DAY.  
  
Man with his knickers in a twist and doesn't bother to run his own store: Damn commercials. I don't believe in all this horse manure.  
  
Man with his knickers in a twist and doesn't bother to run his own store's wife: Can I help you dears?  
  
Morgan: Do you have any books on extra-terrestrials?  
  
The woman shifts her eyes around suspiciously and reaches under the desk to pull out an old book. She hands it to Morgan.  
  
Man with his knickers in a twist and doesn't bother to run his own store's wife: We never spoke.  
  
Bo/Morgan: Agreed.  
  
INT. PHARMACY. DAY.  
  
Graham: Can I have my medicine now, you filthy-mouthed sinner girl?  
  
Tracy whoever: But I need to confess, Father.  
  
Graham: I'm not a reverend anymore. And I hope you haven't been talking to my children.  
  
INT. ARMY REGIME. DAY.  
  
Merrill is staring at a pic of Uncle Sam and turns around when a strange military man starts rambling in a monotone about reconnasince groups to - check-things-out.  
  
Merrill: I'll just take a pamphlet so you won't bomb my house or anything.  
  
Military man: Hey, you're that baseball player!  
  
Lionel: (who is sitting behind them and Merrill didn't even see him until he spoke, even though he was sitting in the back of the room the whole time) Guess again.  
  
Merrill: Shut up or I'll sic my dog on you.  
  
Lionel: I'll be good.  
  
INT. PIZZA PLACE. DAY.  
  
Everyone is sitting around the table which is right in front of the door, possibly blocking customers. They suddenly catch a glimpse of Shamylan/Ray Reddy/the unknown person.  
  
Morgan: Is that him? He doesn't look so vicious.  
  
Bo: Who?  
  
Merrill: Yeah.  
  
Mel continues to stare at the camera with agog eyes.  
  
Bo: Who is he?  
  
Ray suddenly sees the family and jumps into his car and speeds away.  
  
Bo: Who is he?????????????  
  
The family goes back to eating.  
  
A/N: Review please! 


	2. Foil Hats and Claustophobic Aliens

A/N: Because I don't have a smidgeon of a life ;), I'm continuing with this story but it might turn out bad because I'm distracted by the TV. (Just For Laughs - Ha!) Enjoy.or die! (No, I'm just kidding ya.)  
EXT. DESERTED ROAD. NIGHT  
Graham is driving in his car and jumps out and runs over to Carolyn who is close to crying.  
  
Carolyn: What do you know?  
  
Graham: Is my wife hurt?  
  
Carolyn: Then you don't know anything.  
  
Graham: What ambulance is she in?  
  
Carolyn: She's not in an ambulance, Father.  
  
INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.  
  
Graham wakes up and looks around. He stands up and follows the T.V. cord which leads him to a closet. Merrill is sitting an inch away from the screen, with his mouth wide open.  
  
Graham: What the hell are you doing?  
  
Merrill: That simple newscast last night really set me in my ways about these unknown strangers.  
  
Graham: Well, aren't you the little hypocrite.  
(BEAT)  
  
Where are the kids?  
  
Merrill: Upstairs playing weird games. Things to do with rabbits.  
  
Graham: Uh huh.  
  
Merrill: There's been some interesting developments, including a bird with its head crushed and invisible spaceships.  
  
Graham walks out of the closet, cutting his brother off.  
  
Merrill: I'll always be there for you, my ass.  
  
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.  
  
Bo and Morgan are whispering about aliens wearing their stylish new foil hats.  
  
Graham: Is everyone in this house insane?  
  
Bo: We're just doing this to get a rise out of future audiences.  
  
Morgan: Plus, the whole aliens reading our minds thing.  
  
Graham: What's that book?  
  
Morgan: It's got everything to do with aliens in it. It was written by scientists who've been persecuted for their beliefs.  
  
Graham: For a ten year old you sure can say big words.  
  
Morgan: It's called a script. They're not paying you $10 million dollars a movie to muck it up.  
  
Bo: This is serious.  
  
Morgan/Graham: Sorry, I don't know what got into me.  
  
The three have a delayed jumping response to the telephone ring.  
  
Graham goes to pick up the phone.  
  
Graham: Hello?  
  
Person on phone: How would you like to be part of the next American Idol?  
  
Graham: Sorry, I have call waiting. (BEEP) Hello?  
  
Ray: Father?  
  
Graham: Does no one here respect the fact that I've left the church? ARE WE SO VAIN?  
  
Ray: Alright, fine I'll get rid of the damn alien myself.  
  
EXT. HALLWAY. DAY.  
  
Graham: I'm going over to Ray Reddy's house. He just called here bitching about his problems.  
  
Merrill: (leaning halfway out of the closet with a 'duh, duh' look on his face) You were always the one out of us who overexaggerated.  
  
Graham stomps out of the house while Merrill promptly falls over off his chair.  
  
EXT. PORCH OF RAY'S HOUSE. DAY.  
  
Graham walks around curiously looking through Ray's windows. He turns around to see him sitting in his van, not moving.  
  
Graham: You'd think you'd wanna avoid me, you bastard.  
  
Ray: I'm sorry for what I've caused you and your family. I'm screwed, right?  
  
Graham: Yes. Yes you are.  
  
Ray: Don't go into my pantry. (Speeds off, hitting Graham in the face with gravel.)  
  
Graham, in typical suspense movie style, stupidly walks into the house.  
  
INT. CLOSET. DAY.  
  
Merrill is drooling on his shoulder when he is suddenly woken up by a newscaster.  
  
Newscaster: What you're about to see may disturb you.  
  
Merrill: Alright! Show it, I need a new alien theory to go on.  
  
Alien scares many a Brazilian child. Merrill falls back into the closet and his tongue hangs out of his mouth.  
  
INT. RAYS KITCHEN. DAY.  
  
In extreme Sixth Sense style, Graham walks e v e r s o s l o w l y towards the boarded up pantry.  
  
Alien: (banging around) Let me out, let me out, I'm extremely claustrophobic!  
  
Graham does a funny "Cops" scenario which doesn't really fool the alien cause he probably doesn't know what a paddywagon is. He bends down and sticks a knife through the crack in the door. A clawed hand pokes out, out of nervous claustrophobia and Graham cuts off its fingers, while remaining two inches from the door.  
  
Graham: AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!  
  
Alien: AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!  
  
Author of the Story: *laughing quietly*  
  
INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.  
  
Graham walks in and sees his brother now sporting a foil hat which is subliminally sporting a Nike ad.  
  
Bo: Ha! You're shunned.  
  
Graham: I saw one of the alien's at Ray Reddy's house.  
  
Morgan: Really?  
  
Graham: Well, it was just a hand.  
  
Morgan: You fool! That could just have been an extremely malnourished dog.  
  
Graham: Well, whatever type of thing it was, I got the distinct feeling that it wanted to harm me.  
  
Morgan: Yeah, it might have been a dog.  
  
Isabel pokes her head in through the doggy door.  
  
Isabel: Heh, heh, heh. It's happening.  
  
Graham: I vote we leave.  
  
Bo: Yeah, me too.  
  
Merrill: Me and Morgan say nay.  
  
Graham: I win.  
  
Morgan: No, I win because children always win.  
  
Graham: Damn. Beaten by a 10 year old foil wearer.  
  
Morgan winks at the camera and we hear a camerawoman falling over in love.  
  
A/N: God, I suck at these things. Oh, well. Review, please! 


	3. The Ending of the Insanity

A/N: Alright, I don't suck at these things. I have TOTAL AND SUPREME CONFIDENCE. Happy, Lawless? (AKA the only person reading these things? J/k)  
EXT. YARD. DAY BUT SLOWLY DRAWING EVER NEARER NIGHT. SCARED, YET?  
Merrill is walking towards the real house with a bag of boards in his hands, when out of a fit of manliness he throws a stone towards the crops.  
Alien: Ow!  
Merrill runs towards house, then turns back because he forgot the boards.  
Alien: Sucker. That didn't really hurt.  
INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT.  
Graham and the gang are all standing around staring off into space AGAIN.  
Merrill: I'll make some sandwiches.  
Bo: Your sandwiches suck. I want spaghetti.  
Merrill: But.  
Graham: Look, Merrill. This may very well be the end of the freakin' world. Let's just cook up whatever we want so that we don't have to suffer through either of our own home cooking on our last night on this glorious planet.  
Everyone is silent.  
Morgan: French toast, please.  
INT. DINING ROOM. NIGHT.  
Everyone is sitting around quite stiffly while staring at their food.  
Shamylan: (whispering) What's the matter with everybody?  
Graham: What's the matter with everybody? EAT!  
Shamylan: No really, I mean what's the matter with everybody? Our pal Abigail here can act-cry better than any of you.  
There is a close shot of Bo crying. The two children and father have quite an emotional moment.  
All of a sudden, strange noises emit from the baby monitor. Everyone grows silent. Merrill pops out of a closet holding another one.  
Merrill: Ok, I was only making those noises to lighten the mood. I'm no good with these emotional trips as you may have seen throughout this story.  
Everyone regards him with disgust.  
Merrill: Of our lives. (The baby monitor goes wacked and Merrill falls over from the shock.  
INT. HALWAY. NIGHT.  
The family listens carefully as their dog is being jumped by the aliens.  
Graham: Finally that evil dog's reign has been put to rest.  
Merrill: Should we turn off the lights?  
Graham: They already know we're here.  
Morgan: Then I guess it wouldn't matter if we made lots of noise.  
Morgan and Bo start to do the cucaracha.  
Graham/Merrill: Shut up, the both of you.  
The four listen intently as shifting dark figures move around on their porch. There is suddenly a huge bang on the back door.  
Morgan: It didn't say there would be this many in the book.  
Merrill: Get over yourself Morgan. Books don't prove anything.  
There is another bang on the front door now.  
Bo: Why are they all coming after us?  
Graham: It's probably a big conspiracy.  
Merrill: Created by the nerds.  
The four run into the basement and Merrill hurriedly looks for something to hold the door. He suddenly grabs an axe and knocks out the lightbulb.  
Morgan: God, no wonder you got kicked out of the Minor League.  
He turns on a flashlight which musn't be too useful if he found it in the dark. He stands near the coal chute and an alien hand reaches out and grabs him.  
Graham/Merrill/Morgan/Bo/Shamylan: *various ramblings*  
Bo picks up the flashlight and points it at her brother who is having an asthma attack. It passes slowly and Merrill suggests the bright idea of turning off the flashlights.  
Bo: But don't you think the aliens are still out there?  
Merrill: I said sleep.  
EXT. DESERTED ROAD. NIGHT.  
Graham and Carolyn are still talking about his wife.  
Carolyn: Now Father, do you understand what I've told you?  
Graham: I'm not sure. I am Mel Gibson.  
Carolyn: Well, the cue cards are there to help you out honey.  
  
Graham starts to walk towards his wife. He is suddenly interrupted by:  
INT. BASEMENT. NIGHT OR DAY.WHO KNOWS ANYMORE?  
Voice on radio: People think they came here to take over the planet; that's bull.  
Graham stares at Merrill who is standing over him to tell him about the fixed lightbulbs.  
Graham: It's amazing how people still find time to talk on the airwaves while the world's being invaded.  
Merrill: Well, that's the thing. Sounds like its over.  
Graham: What, the world?  
Merrill: No, your career.  
(BEAT)  
Merrill: Just kidding. The invasion.  
Graham: Alright. Lets believe the technology (referring to the monitor and radio) and go upstairs.  
Everyone emerges upstairs and Graham sets Morgan down on the couch.  
Bo: They're dancing like this on TV. (Does dance.)  
Graham: How graphic. (To Morgan) You wanna see?  
Morgan nods. Graham goes to get television. However, when it is finally wheeled into the living room, a faint reflection that somewhat resembles Merrill is standing in the living room. But the scary music plays, so we as the audience should take it in the "gasp" way.  
Merrill walks into living room. (I guess it wasn't him after all.)  
Alien: Click, click, grimble, glurp.  
The alien sprays some sort of something up Morgans nose.  
Graham realizes with a shock that everything that has ever occurred in his life is for a reason.  
Graham: Swing away, Merrill.  
Merrill: I understand what you're saying.  
Alien: Finally. A moment of intelligence.  
Graham: Whoa, let's not go nuts.  
Alien: A momentary lapse of intelligence?  
Graham: Now you're on the trolley.  
Merrill: Enough with the small talk. It's time for an ass-whoopin'!  
In similar Xena style, Merrill swings at the alien with his famous bat. It hits the drawer and all of Bo's dusty water falls onto it.  
Graham scoops up Morgan and runs outside where he gives him a shot. Merrill and Bo stand around almost crying. Morgan looks quite dead.  
Graham: I can't take any of this anymore. I hate EVERYBODY!  
Morgan wakes up and everyone starts breathing again.  
Morgan: Dad? Did someone save me? Dad?  
  
(BEAT)  
Morgan: Dad? Dad! Are you listening?!  
Graham: Sorry, honey. Daddy doesn't live here anymore. (Left eye starts twitching.)  
Merrill: Yes, dammit! Someone saved you. Someone up.there.  
Bo: Santa?  
Everyone looks up at the sky while Jingle Bells plays faintly in the background. And we see faintly, the "dead" alien sneaking out their back door holding Merrill's wallet.  
Alien: I'll be bach.  
A/N: IT'S DONE IT'S OVER. And I just realized that I left out the baby monitor scene, a brilliant scene in my opinion. Oh, well. Thank you, London (I mean, world). Byes! 


End file.
